As much as I am thoroughly enjoying every second that I am spending with Addie and Lily this weekend, it is hard to all of a sudden be pulled in so many directions.  I have never once left Bella's side when she has been inpatient, but obviously have had to in order to spend time with the older girls.  I then find myself feeling incredibly guilty for leaving her, but then mad at myself for feeling that way.  I want to be totally focused on the girls when I am with them, but it is obviously an impossible task. 
Bella's doctors keep assuring us that she is doing very well, but that is all relative.  It is very hard for us to see her ammonia levels still elevated a bit, to see her lungs getting junky from being intubated, watching her receive yet another transfusion, and seeing other levels go up and down.  She is connected to about 15 different meds via i.v., and looks like she is at the helm of a space ship with all of the equipment around her.  Yes, we knew the junky lungs were expected as a part of her being intubated, and we saw that happen last summer when she was first sick.  Apparently she has received minimal transfusions, less than many have to.  I guess knowing that something is coming, and understanding why, doesn't make the reality of it any easier.  In my head I guess I thought she would get her new liver and we would never have to even hear the word ammonia again, and now I learn that it is common for levels to be elevated as the new liver begins to get to normal function. 
Once again, Bella is doing incredibly well, given what she has been through.  It is so hard to watch your beautiful, active, smiling baby girl laying immobile with tubes coming out of every available surface.  All I want to do is hold her, and I can only slide one of my arms under her legs and pretend that I am sort of holding her in a way.  I sing to her and cover her with a million kisses, but it is obviously not the same.  I want to crawl in her little crib with her, but fear that I would dislodge something (or get thrown out of the PICU).  We are focusing on Tuesday, because that is the day that they hope to be able to close her belly.  That will be a turning point because it will allow us to start thinking about extubating her, and that puts her that much closer to being in my arms.
Steve, Mom and the girls are all headed home on Tuesday.  Steve needs to be there to close on the new business, and we have to get it done so he can stop worrying about that process.  Once that happens he and Dad can get everything moved over to Williston, and Dad can be working with Mitch more.  That will enable Steve to eventually be able to go back and forth between here and home a bit more easily.  In the meantime I am hopeful that Katie or Molly will be able to come for a couple of days sooner than later. 
Obviously one of the more challenging aspects of being here is trying to run our household in VT, make sure that the girls are getting all of their needs met.  I/we have had to let go of a lot of things, and our wonderful family and friends have stepped in to help with so much (thank you to everyone for absolutely everything!!!).  It is obviously not the same as being there.  Speaking of which, could someone remind Mom or Steve to bring my Mandevilla in off the deck and cut it back, if it isn't too late?  We are hoping and praying that all goes well with Bella's healing process, and aiming to be home by Christmas.  It is a goal to shoot for, and we are understanding that it is not a definite.  We do know for sure that Bella is strong and stubborn, so we do think it is a reasonable goal.  I can already see the Christmas tree in my living room...